Feeling safe enough to not know.
Hey friends, fam, community and clients. Like many people, I’m stepping away from the endless scroll and algorithms of Instagram, to place more energy into this blog section in my WordPress powered site. I considered substack for awhile, but figured it would be just another app I would abuse eventually. Seriously, though… before Facebook I wasted plenty of time on AOL (America Online) and AIM instant messenger, then myspace. As a tween, I LOVED photos and would print a roll of film every fortnight and used to spend hours flipping pages of yearbooks. Why? I don’t really know, but I reckon part of it was a safety thing I developed, a hyper vigilance and need to be in control, a step ahead of everything as my life at home felt really unsteady from middle school.
I just love having an outlet to express and find others that relate and Instagram has become a bit of a black hole for me. I got caught up in trying to keep up and stay relevant (!?!?!). I have invested far too much time in it, especially as a mother of 3 daughters, it’s time to create more friction and distance with that silly app. With all the resets I have participated in the evidence is clear: I am a much better and happier mother when I am not scrolling and consuming content!
There is 20 minute timer on and I am not using any artificial intelligence to write these ponderings. I can’t say I will be writing about anything in particular, but it will be what’s on my mind at the moment. Very conversational, like a quick catch up with you at school pick up…what am I listening to or reading, what is inspiring me, what’s bothering me…I mean what do I need to BREATHE on?, current intentions and recent downloads flooding my brain while I’m in the shower. Gosh I get the greatest Ideas in there.
That is one thing I have done every night, my ritual, ever since becoming a mother. Having a shower before bed. To cleanse any bad vibes, to decompress, with the water on way too hot, drinking a beverage, usually a chamomile tea, brushing my teeth, staring at my hanging plant, spacing out. The greatest investment for me postpartum was getting laser hair removal on my legs, under arms and yesss the other bits because it gives me more time to just relax and makes the shower feel less like a chore. Of course I could go without shaving and just be a hairy goddess, but it’s a sensory thing. Ugh, I despised hair so much my first postpartum in 2018 I ended up nearly shaving my head. Showers have always been so a refuge for me, I have memories of just sitting in the shower with the water running over me for ages while I zoned out, all the way back in middle school.
In early middle school, sixth grade, my parents divorced. I always glossed over the pain of it and how it affected me. Joking about how great it was to have a best friend at each house and claiming it easy, being the oldest. My parents did the best they could with what they had at the time…that’s one of my favourite sayings I’ve picked up from my teacher, Eleanor. But divorce is never easy, I still deal with the awkwardness of it today.
Today I recognise the patterns I have of trying to control my environment, often in the form of being a chameleon and people pleasing, keeping the peace. But there is the other end of the spectrum where I fully give up control, in my late teens/early twenties by blacking out multiple times a week and just overall reckless behaviour. Finding out I wasn’t just ADHD, as first diagnosed in 2003, but also Autistic at the start of this year gave me such a deeper understanding about the way I have lived and relate to things. Lots of times I am appreciative of AuDHD and see it’s many gifts and how the timeline of my life and the jobs and work I chose make complete sense. Gosh, and greater understanding of why my BIRTHS were all so painful!!! My instinct was always pretty bang on. I have this theory that yes, there are more people being diagnosed on the neurodivergent spectrum, because with more research it’s easier to recognise ( https://psychology.org.au/about-us/news-and-media/aps-in-the-media/2024/why-has-everyone-suddenly-got-adhd ) but also it is a natural response to the way the world is going. Living in 2026 is intense. Feels to fast. We are consuming more information in one day than our ancestors did in their lifetime. ( just tried to find an article on that, but I see that phrase thrown around heaps).
So my timer is up, that’s all for today. But something I was getting fed up with on Instagram was how “everyone” seemed to be positioning themselves as experts. Like they know everything! Part of me envious of their being masters of their craft, because I’ve always felt I was a jack of all trades, master of none. Sometimes it’s hard to zoom out and as Jane Hardwicke Collings says “notice what I’m noticing”. Obviously I was in a lot of pain around my relationship to that app. That is no surprise. Like I said, before instagram it was Facebook. At university, when we were meant to be studying for exams, my friend Mo and I used to log out of our Facebook and swap passwords until exams were finished, so we could “lock in” as the young kids are saying these days.
We get to choose. If you are in pain about something, how do you prefer to be? Thanks for reading. Please holler and let me know if you relate in some way xo
sniffin dat lavendar
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